the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Awesome parenting 😂
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It