Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
You Might Also Like
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
This was the best day of my life
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT