ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
You Might Also Like
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
December birthdays be like…
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!