No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.