men are simple creatures
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Does it…does it take 3 days
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
guys I’m going home
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater