When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
This raises questions
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Autocorrect completely socks
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins