I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Is this you?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Finally
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?