media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
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Personal question. #JustSaying
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff