Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
You Might Also Like
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f