My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
😏😏😏
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms