The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one