A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.