Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.