I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Your honor these allegations are
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
this post was so formative to me
this is the best interaction on twitter
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger