I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
it is time once again
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.