“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I’m sure it’s fine.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?