Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!