I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol