7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.