WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Good morning.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
A new level of troll.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY