Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.