My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.