[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.