I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
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the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.