I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
You Might Also Like
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.