Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You Might Also Like
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
all that yoga finally paid off
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*