Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
my dad has had enough
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!