Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move