ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Best mom ever 😂
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.