To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
can’t believe I got front row seats
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.