Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
reviewed some movies recently
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.