Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
You Might Also Like
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Its a hippotatomus
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it