Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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