[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I need better friends
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU