9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*bites zombie*
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.