I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]