ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.