“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Those are good neighbors.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché