My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Mhm.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.