Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Smooooooth
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Phonetics
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull