Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.