You Might Also Like
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.