Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school