I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.