Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Pikachu found the lost joint
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m crying im so happy for them
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
This one’s “Alex”.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
when nothing goes right… go left
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”