Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
water it, i dare you
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine