the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You Might Also Like
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.