The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
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ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.