[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Not even remotely sorry.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.