My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.